We revisited the topic “Setting Boundaries”. Participants were reminded of the essence of setting boundaries. A boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent” (Merriam Webster Dictionary). There are different types of boundaries, from physical boundaries to emotional boundaries; and there are also different levels of boundaries, from loose to rigid, with healthy boundary falling somewhere in between. The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you. Healthy boundaries help you stay mentally and emotionally stable. It is easier to spot a physical boundary like a barricade or a “No Entry Sign”. However, personal boundaries can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can change, and are unique to each individual. Personal boundary determines the amount of physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. It helps you determine what types of communication, behaviour, and interaction are acceptable. Physical boundaries provide a barrier between you and an intruding force. Physical boundaries include your body, sense of personal space, sexual orientation, and privacy. These boundaries are expressed through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body language. Emotional and intellectual boundaries protect your sense of self-esteem and ability to separate your feelings from others’. These include beliefs, behaviours, choices, sense of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate with others.
The following tips help in setting healthy boundaries
1. Recognize that boundary is important;
2. Be firm, calm and precise about what boundary you are setting;
3. Your behaviour must match the boundaries you are setting (e.g., do not communicate something different either by your body language or words);
4. Do not give place to anxiety or low self-esteem;
5. Focus on why you are setting boundaries;
6. Learn to listen to yourself and communicate assertively;
7. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries (i.e., eliminate toxic persons from your life – those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you) etc.
Benefits of setting boundaries include
1. You become more assertive and also compassionate;
2. Your needs are met;
3. Less anger and resentment (when you let people walk all over you, you feel angry and resentful.);
4. You have more time and energy to do things that nourish and bring joy to your body, mind, and spirit;
5. You become more self-aware;
6. You are less stressed.
Furthermore, participants were also advised on the need to “Be Firm (Assertive) and Still Polite”. Assertiveness is expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others. It is standing up for your right to be treated fairly. Asserting yourself will stop others from cheating you and you from cheating yourself out of what you deserve. A distinction was made between being assertive, passive and aggressive. Participants were made to realize that people who act too passively often end up feeling taken advantage of. They may begin to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. While people who act too aggressively find it difficult to keep friends. They may dominate conversations or give their opinions too boldly and forcefully, leaving others feeling put off or disrespected. People with an aggressive style may get other people to do things their way, but many times they end up being rejected or disliked. They often lose the respect of others. The following may contribute to making some persons act too passively or aggressively: a lack of self-confidence, worrying too much about pleasing others or being liked, worrying whether others will disagree with or reject their ideas and opinions, sensitivity to criticism; being overconfident, focusing too much on getting their needs met and their opinions across, not learning to respect or consider other people’s views or needs, lack of listening skills and inability to ask for others’ input etc. Some tips for acting assertively are: developing self-confidence, being resilient (able to deal with criticism, rejection, and setbacks), respecting the preferences and needs of others, make request and ask for favours, stand up for your opinions and stick to them, insist that your rights are respected, question rules or traditions that don’t make sense or don’t seem fair, be diplomatic, manage your stress, choose assertive (not aggressive) language, avoid bullying and demanding behaviour etc. Emphasis was also laid on “Respect”. Respect is seen as one of the greatest expression of love. It is more effective to counter disrespectful attitudes with advice, teaching, mentoring and modeling. Some useful tips on respect: Be specific about what someone does that you do not like, see things from others’ point of view, end friendship with those who are continuously disrespectful to you, spend time with people who are respectful and make you feel safe. Don’t lower your standards for anyone or anything. Self-respect is everything.
Thanks to all members, volunteers, and supporters of BeamLight Foundation. Above all, thanks to God, Almighty for sustaining this vision.
